Advice from a Christian perspective
About two weeks ago, my little brother was married to his best friend and fiancee of seven years. Congratulations to them both!! Being the older sister that I am, I wanted to give them some type of advice for their new marriage. There was no time to think about it. God was already laying it on my heart. A script of principles to live by for newlyweds. Rob and I have been happily married for almost ten years now, so I figured we were capable of giving this type of advice. These are also principles we use in our own marriage. We may use some more than others but I feel this is a good start for any newly married couple.
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1. Put God first, then your spouse.
God should always be at the center of your life and before all relationships. God does not want to be second. In fact, when you place your spouse above God you are breaking the first commandment. This can be tough especially in our busy lives. If you're not right with God, then get right with Him. Take time each day to pray and read. Spend the time with Him and everything else will fall into place. The second most important relationship in your life should be your spouse and then your children if you have any.
In the Bible, Jesus tells the Pharisees that the greatest commandment is:
"Thou shall love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind."
Matthew 22:37 KJV
2. Pray together and for one another.
When we do this, we are humbling ourselves and allowing God to work in our hearts. Prayer is very powerful and effective. If you don't know what to say sometimes, then just write your prayer requests down in a journal and read over them daily. Praying for your spouse is one of the greatest things you can do. God tells us in his word that he hears our prayers.
"The Lord is far from the wicked: but he heareth the prayer of the righteous."
Proverbs 15:29 KJV
Two are better than one: because they have a good reward for their labor . For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow; but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 KJV
3. Choose your battles and let the small stuff go.
Try not to get upset if your spouse does something a little different than the way you would do it. When there is a problem, instead of arguing with each other, try to tackle the situation or problem together. Discuss how you both can fix it. Don't always assume to be right. It’s always more important to be happy than to be right.
4. Forgive Easily.
Try to be the first to apologize. If your spouse apologies before you, don’t hesitate to forgive. Being stubborn just hurts you both. Don't let your pride get the best of you.
“And be ye kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:32 KJV
5. Be patient with one another.
There will be times when your marriage will absolutely demand patience. Be calm during the storms. Be optimistic. Try to slow down and see the bigger picture. If you have a hard time with this then pray for God to give you the patience you need.
6. Never forget to compliment and praise each other.
Now that you have that special person, it doesn’t mean that you should stop telling them how much you adore them. God specifically tells husbands to praise their wives. Women need to be praised. It is part of who we are and how God created us. Husbands also need to hear encouragement from their wives. Nothing is more powerful to a man than to hear the words of encouragement and praise coming from the lips of his wife. No matter how long you have been married, your spouse needs to be reassured that they are still the most important person in your life. Keep the romantic passion flowing. Be sincere and honest. You are honoring God when you take care of your spouse.
7. Listen to your spouse and keep all lines of communication open.
Good communication makes a marriage strong. Be a good listener. Try to understand where your spouse is coming from. Try not to get upset or overreact easily. This can prevent your other half from talking to you at times and can also lead to lots of arguments without a resolution. Don't wait until its too late to fix a problem. Everyone needs someone they can count on and trust. Never stop talking to each other. When there is an issue find a good time to discuss it. You both need to know that you can count on each other.
8. Learn each other's love languages.
This can help you better understand how you each express and receive love. Everyone has a love language. There is an excellent book out there called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. There are five love languages listed: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical touch. Consider reading it and owning it. It's a great reminder on those days when things aren't going so well. You can find it here.
9. Show appreciation.
Even the small things can mean a lot. Life can be crazy sometimes and things can go unnoticed quickly. Take notice of those attributes that attracted you to your spouse, to begin with. Compliment their character. Acknowledge the things your spouse does for you and your family. Acknowledge their accomplishments.
10. Set aside a time to talk about your finances.
Set financial goals and objectives to be discussed together. If there are some financial issues, make a game plan, and handle it. Don't let this slip through the cracks. Once you begin to have financial problems it can place a huge burden on your relationship.
11. Never talk badly about your spouse.
Sometimes it may feel as if you need to vent. Think twice about what you say before you say it. You most likely will regret telling that friend or co-worker something you may have said about your spouse in anger. Would you want your spouse to do the same to you?
“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Ephesians 4:29
12. Make time for one another.
This is crucial!! Life can become hectic with work, kids and all the distractions we have nowadays. Your spouse needs your undivided attention at times. Plan date nights, cuddle time, etc. Be available!! If it's hard to get out of the house, wait until the kids go to sleep and take time for each other. If nights are difficult, you can always get up early and have a breakfast date. Make your spouse a priority!
13. Always look for the good in your relationship.
When you get upset, it’s easy to start focusing on all the negative things. Take some time apart to cool off and really analyze the situation. Most of the time you will realize that the good out weighs the bad and those negative feelings were just an emotion you were feeling at that time.
14. Learn to compromise.
It's okay to have different interests and hobbies.
15. Take them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Have realistic expectations. Things change as time goes on. That’s just part of life. You must learn to adjust together to the changes. If you have unrealistic expectations, then you are setting your marriage up for failure. Remember why you chose each other to begin with.
16. Limit close relationships with those of the opposite sex.
Once you are married you should never have close friendships or work relationships with someone of the opposite sex. I'm talking about spending enough time with the person to share intimate details of your life. You should not be spending any time alone with them, even if it does involve work. You are giving the devil the opportunity to destroy your relationship whether you know it or not. The devil wants to destroy the family and wreak havoc on any Christian that gives him a chance. You should only have casual relationships with someone of the opposite sex and if your spouse has a problem with your relationship, then you need to shut it down immediately. If it involves work, then you need to figure out a way to get away from that person. If you must change jobs, then so be it. Your marriage is worth more than your career. Your relationship with your spouse is your priority.
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Hebrews 13: 4
17. Respect one another and avoid any verbal abuse.
If you are someone who says mean things when you are angry, this would be a good time to be slow to speak. When you get upset, be silent, walk away or leave for a little while to cool off. Remember that once you say something, you cannot take it back. Harsh words can be very hurtful.
“Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.”
Colossians 3:19 ESV
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Ephesians 5:33 ESV
18. Physical touch.
I'm not just talking about intimacy here. Keep the gentle touches consistent. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle, give each other massages, hug, and never let the passion die. Physical touch really makes you feel more connected. You don't want to end up feeling like roommates or strangers. Try to make it special. Definitely don't let physical intimacy grow cold. There is a reason that God said to submit yourselves to one another.
19. Trust your partner.
Stay honest with one another about everything. It’s better to tell the truth and have your significant other be upset with you, then to lie to them. Share your honest thoughts and feelings. Admit when you are wrong. Don't make conversations feel like an interrogation. Don't break promises! Once trust is broken, rebuilding it can be challenging.
20. Don't give up on each other!
Marriage can be hard at times. There will be many ups and downs. It’s easy to blame each other and ask other people for advice then it is to stop and listen to God. Read God's word regarding marriage. If things get bad, try not to seek for divorce as a first option. See a counselor. Fireproof it!! Do everything you can to fix your marriage. Fireproof is a great movie about a struggling marriage starring Christian actor Kirk Cameron. It might not have the best acting, but it sure does have a great story line.
Thanks for reading and if you have any tips or advice that have worked for you please leave them in the comment box below.
